When you think about parenting your teenage son, what comes up first?

Is it the yelling match from this morning? The guilt about not being consistent enough? That voice in your head saying other moms have it figured out while you're just winging it?

If you nodded yes, you're not alone. We're wired to focus on that uncomfortable space between where we are and where we think we should be. We're always measuring ourselves against some perfect mom ideal that doesn't even exist.

But what if I told you that's the exact wrong place to put your energy? What if the secret to better parenting isn't fixing everything that's "broken"  but building on what's already working?

Today, I'm going to show you how to flip the script and parent from your strengths. Trust me, this shift isn't just more effective it's life-giving for both you and your son.

Why Your Brain Loves to Focus on What's Wrong

Here's the thing: your brain isn't trying to make you miserable. It's actually trying to keep you safe.

That primitive part of your brain is always scanning for danger. It thinks if it can spot potential problems, you'll be better prepared to handle them. The problem? Your brain can't tell the difference between a real threat and the perceived "threat" of not being a perfect mom.

We've also been culturally trained to look for deficits:

• Think about walking out of a test where you got 85%. You probably focused on the 15% you missed, not the 85% you nailed.
• Remember your last employee review? If you got eight great comments and two areas for improvement, I bet those two criticisms took up 80% of your brain space.
• Now apply that to parenting your teenage son, the most important job you'll ever have.

Of course you're going to focus on what feels broken instead of building on what's strong. It's how we're wired.

The Gap vs. The Gain: A Game-Changing Mindset Shift

A few months ago, I read an incredible book called "The Gap and the Gain" by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy. While it's written for business, the concepts are pure gold for parenting teenage boys.

Living in "The Gap"

The gap is where you focus on how far you are from your ideal. In parenting, this sounds like:

• "I should have handled that better"
• "I'm not consistent enough"
• "Other moms are doing this right, and I'm failing"
• "I don't know what I'm doing"

Living in "The Gain"

The gain is where you focus on how far you've come. You measure backwards, not against an ideal, but against where you used to be. This looks like:

• "I stayed calmer than I used to"
• "We got through the morning without yelling – that's progress"
• "Last year, this argument would have spiraled, and today it looks different"
• "I do know some things that are working well"

The research is clear: People who consistently operate from the gain mindset have higher levels of happiness, better motivation, and more personal confidence. They're also more resilient to challenges.

Isn't resilience exactly what you're trying to teach your teenage son?

3 Simple Ways to Parent from Your Strengths

1. Catch the Gain Daily

Here's a practice that changed everything for me: At the end of each day, I count three wins.

When I get in bed and get cozy under the covers, the very last thing I think about before sleep is: "Hey Heidi, what are your three wins today?"

Sometimes they're small:

• I made it through the day
• I didn't engage in that argument
• I remembered to breathe before responding

Sometimes they're bigger wins, but they're always there.

This practice has helped me:

• Sleep better (no more middle-of-the-night worry spirals)
• Wake up more refreshed
• Finish my day focusing on what went well instead of what didn't

2. Name Your Top Three Parenting Strengths

Take a minute and ask yourself – or even better, ask your son – what you do well as a mom.

Maybe you're great at:

• Connecting through humor
• Staying calm under pressure
• Planning ahead to prevent stress
• Being spontaneous and fun
• Giving amazing pep talks
• Creating structure and routine

Write them down. Keep them visible. Use them on purpose.

Remember: You don't need new strengths. You need to use the ones you already have more intentionally.

3. Look for Gains in Your Son Too

Your son's identity is shaped by what you're noticing and naming. So is yours.

Instead of parenting from panic ("He's just not there yet"), parent from progress ("Look how far we've come").

This might look like:

• "Last year he couldn't have handled this disappointment, and this year he's doing pretty well"
• "He's not perfect, but he's engaged and making an effort"
• "Yesterday he spent three hours on video games, today he came up for family dinner"

The more you highlight your gains, the easier it becomes to see his. The more you look for his gains, the easier it becomes to see your own.

A Story That Changed Everything

I remember one of my sons several years ago – school just wasn't his thing. He'd do his homework but then wouldn't turn it in. I was so frustrated and, naturally, turning it all back on me.

"What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing differently?"

During a coaching call, my coach said something that hit me like a truck: "You're so focused on raising a perfect son that all you can see are the flaws – in you and in him."

She was right. This kid excelled at everything that really mattered – kindness, generosity, moral values. He was respectful and caring. But I was so focused on the homework issue that I was missing everything else.

When I changed what I was looking at, everything shifted. Did I still address the homework? Yes. Was it still frustrating? Absolutely. But I started paying attention to how far we'd come, and it made all the difference in our relationship, his behavior, and my confidence as his mom.

This week, I challenge you to:

1. Tonight: Before you go to sleep, name three wins from your day
2. Tomorrow: Identify one parenting strength and use it intentionally
3. This week: Notice one area where your son has made progress, no matter how small

You don't have to fix everything to be a great mom. You can't. When we think we have to fix everything, it's too much and we set ourselves up for disappointment.

The truth is: You're not failing. You're progressing. And that progress is worth celebrating.

Remember, You're doing better than you think. I promise you are. Lean into your strengths. Do more of what's working. And give yourself credit for how far you've come.

When you parent from confidence instead of criticism, everything changes for you and your son.

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