5 Ways Moms Accidentally Sabotage Holiday Relationships (And What to Do Instead)

Are the holidays equal parts exciting and dreadful for you?

You’re not alone.

You want connection and joy. But what you often get is chaos, tension, and a side of disappointment. If you’ve ever found yourself rage-cleaning on Christmas Eve or crying in the closet with wrapping paper everywhere—this post is for you.

Today we’re pulling back the curtain on 5 subtle ways moms accidentally sabotage their relationships during the holidays—and how to turn them into connection instead.

These apply to your teenage son, your spouse, your extended family—even that one friend who always makes things complicated. Let’s get into it.

1. We Don’t Ask for What We Need (We Just Hope They’ll Notice)

We hope they’ll jump in. Read our minds. Help out. Appreciate our magic-making.

But spoiler alert: they’re not going to notice.

And when they don’t, we seethe.

🎄 My Christmas Eve used to look like this: Five boys bouncing off the walls. Me rage-cleaning in circles. Snapping at everyone while secretly praying someone would offer to help without being asked. It never worked.

What finally did?

👉 I valued myself enough to ask for what I needed.

A few days before Christmas, I started clearly explaining my expectations:
“Hey, I want to enjoy Christmas Eve too. That means starting with a clean house. Please have your stuff picked up by 10 AM.”

No tantrums. No guilt trips. Just clarity.

What to do instead:

• Say it out loud.

• Ask for what you need.

• Drop the resentment that they can’t read your mind.
  It’s not selfish—it’s adult communication.

2. We Expect People to Change (So We Can Feel Better)

Let me guess: Aunt Betty always brings the drama. Cousin Joe has opinions about everything. Your teen rolls his eyes at everything.

And every year, you secretly hope this time will be different.

But here’s the truth bomb:

You’re not going to change anyone during the holidays.

When you waste your energy hoping people behave better so you can enjoy yourself, you hand over your joy like a coupon.

What to do instead:

• Expect them to be exactly who they are.

• Look for the good anyway. Your brain will find what it’s searching for.

• Decide ahead of time who you want to be when things get messy.

💡 Pro tip: When you stop trying to control other people’s behavior, you get your peace back.

3. We Focus on Presents Over Presence

See what I did there? 😉

We try to check all the boxes:

• Perfect gifts

• Pinterest-worthy class parties

• Holiday outings, matching jammies, memory books…

Meanwhile, our kids (and partners) get what’s left of us.

🎁 Ask your kids what they got for Christmas last year.
Can’t remember? Exactly.

But they do remember how they felt.

What to do instead:

• Be where your feet are.

• Look your son in the eyes while he talks about his game.

• Don’t multitask love.

• Let “good enough” be enough.

One year, I stayed up too late for weeks trying to make a digital photo gift work. I got pinkeye on Christmas Eve. The gift was late. The kids were annoyed. I was exhausted. Lesson learned.

4. We Think We’re Responsible for Everyone’s Happiness

You want everyone to feel included. Loved. Happy. That’s beautiful.

But not at the expense of yourself.

Trying to manage everyone’s emotions leads to one thing: performing instead of connecting.

When you bend over backwards to make everyone else feel good and they still leave cranky, it’s easy to spiral.

But here’s the truth: Their emotions are not your responsibility.
Yours are. Theirs are theirs. Period.

What to do instead:

• Show up as your authentic, amazing self.

• Let people think what they want.

• Don’t trade your joy for their approval.

You’ll be amazed at how freeing that feels.

5. We Don’t Plan (Or Communicate) Ahead

You’ve got the perfect night planned—family lights tour, cocoa, matching scarves.

Your teen?
“Can’t. I’ve got a party.”

Cue the standoff.

And now the whole night is wrecked.

But here’s the thing: It’s not that your son doesn’t care.
It’s that you didn’t involve him in the planning.

One of the best ways to build respect and connection with your teen is to treat him like the growing adult he wants to be.

What to do instead:

• Involve him early: “We want to see the lights. Would Tuesday or Thursday work best for you?”

• Let him feel like a contributor, not a hostage.

• Then hold him to the commitment—just like you would any other adult.

This doesn’t mean he runs the calendar. It just means you respect his time so he’ll be more likely to respect yours.

The Bottom Line: Your Holidays Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Powerful

They can be:

• A little messy

• A little loud

• A little imperfect

…and still full of laughter, love, and real connection.

When you:

• Ask for what you need

• Drop the expectation that people change

• Stay present in the moment

• Own only your emotions

• And plan ahead with clarity

You win the holidays. And more importantly, you build connection with the people you love.

Want Help Creating More Connection with Your Son?

If you're looking for more everyday ways to build connection—not just during the holidays—I’ve created a free tool just for you:

🎁 The Boy Mom Blueprint: 8 Simple Ways to Connect with Your Teenage Son
These are easy, actionable things you can start today to create more peace and closeness.

👉 Download it here – completely free

You don’t need a perfect holiday. You just need a real connection.

Want more conversations like this?

Join our private Facebook community for moms raising teenage boys. We talk about real-life challenges, share strategies, and lift each other up—because you don’t have to do this alone.

👉 Join “Raising Boys, Building Men” on Facebook

Additional Support:

Visit our website Raisingboysbuildingmen.com HERE

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