Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your son thinking, "Why did that feel so hard?"

Maybe you were just trying to help and he shut down. Or maybe he snapped back at you. That frustration you're feeling? I've been there too.

The Communication Gap Is Real

The other day, Dawson walked through the door after lacrosse practice. He was mentally and physically exhausted. And what did I do? I started firing off directives:

"We have to do this, Dawson." "You need to get this done." "How did this go?" "Will you please put your laundry away?" "Those lunch dishes in the sink—put them in the dishwasher."

I could see that look in his eyes saying, "Mom, please, will you let me sit down for a second?"

Sound familiar? If so, welcome to the club.

When Your Son Avoids You

Here's my biggest clue that I'm making this mistake: my boys start avoiding me. If I walk into the kitchen, they walk out. If I enter the family room, they kindly head in the opposite direction.

It's a clear sign that I'm talking too much and giving too many directives without giving them space to breathe.

Maybe for you it's when your son comes home from school. You ask how his day was, and all you get is a shrug and "It was fine." You press for more, and he retreats to his room.

Rather than feeling shut out, I've learned to ask myself: "What's going on? Where's the disconnect here?"

Talking AT vs. Talking WITH

The answer? I'm talking AT him rather than WITH him.

This is the #1 communication mistake I see moms make (myself included!). We talk AT our sons instead of engaging in actual conversation.

Before we judge ourselves too harshly, let's remember something important: from the moment our little boys are born, we're hardwired to be in charge of everything—their nutrition, safety, surroundings. We're literally responsible for their welfare.

The challenge comes in finding that delicate balance of backing off as they grow into young adults. When we issue directives, we're just falling back on that hardwiring.

The Shocking Communication Gap

Here's something that blew my mind: A CDC report found that while 76.9% of parents believe their teenager receives adequate emotional support from them, only 27.5% of teens feel they're getting enough support.

That's a huge difference! Almost 80% compared to almost 30%.

Even when we think we're being helpful, our sons often aren't receiving what we're offering in the same way we intend.

Common Ways We Talk AT Our Sons

1. Schedule Management: "You need to be at practice at four, so do this, this, and this before you go."
2. School Management: "Finish your homework before dinner, then study for your test, and did you hand in that assignment?"
3. Lecturing: I can create the best lecture in my mind, thinking it will change his behavior—but it never does.
4. Rapid-Fire Questions: Asking one question after another without waiting for genuine responses.
5. Overreacting: Responding with immediate anger to minor issues, leaving nowhere to go when big issues arise.
6. Unsolicited Advice: Offering solutions before fully understanding the problem.

How to Talk WITH Your Son Instead

1. Practice Active Listening

Give your son space to express himself without judgment or immediate solutions. When he speaks, stop what you're doing, look him in the eye, and really listen.

You might be the only person all day who looks him in the eye when speaking to him.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Instead of "How was your day?" try "Tell me your favorite part of school today." Instead of "How was practice?" ask "What did you love about lacrosse practice today?"

Open-ended questions encourage deeper thinking and responses beyond one word. This takes practice, so be patient if he's still giving short answers at first.

3. Offer Empathy Before Solutions

If he says, "I hate school," don't jump to, "Well, school is important for your future."

Try instead: "I get it, buddy. I went to high school too, and I didn't love every day either. In fact, I hated my math class because... So I understand school can be hard sometimes."

Then you can ask, "Why do you think school is important?" Even if he says "It's not," you've opened a door to real conversation.

Connection First, Tasks Second

Here's what I've learned: We can still be the mom. The dishes still need to be done. The laundry still needs to be put away.

But if I change my approach—look him in the eye, help him feel seen, ask open-ended questions, maybe play a quick game of checkers—and THEN say, "Hey, it would be really helpful if you did A, B, and C before practice," he's much more likely to do it.

Why? Because we've had those few minutes of connection. I've calmed down. He's calmed down. We've reconnected, and there's no tug-of-war.

Your Practical Takeaways

1. Replace lectures with conversations
2. Prioritize listening over speaking
3. Recognize when you're slipping into "talking AT" mode
4. Remember: Your son doesn't need a manager—he needs a mentor

When we shift from talking AT to talking WITH, we open the door to a stronger, more trusting relationship.

When Arguments Happen

If you find yourself at odds with your son, remember: it's actually an opportunity to teach him how to recover from disagreements and take care of important relationships.

Ready to rebuild that bridge after an argument? Download my free Bridge Method: 5 Simple Ways to Rebuild Trust After an Argument. This guide will help you transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection.

Click here to get your free Bridge Method guide