How to Stop Talking At Your Son and Start Talking With Him

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your son thinking,
"Why did that feel so hard?"
You were just trying to help—but he shut down, walked away, or snapped at you.

If that sounds familiar, this post is for you.

Today, we’re tackling the #1 communication mistake I see moms make with their teenage sons. (Spoiler: I’ve made it too!) And more importantly, we’re going to walk through simple ways to fix it—so your son actually wants to listen, talk, and connect.

You’re Not Alone (And You’re Not Doing It All Wrong)

Let me paint the scene:
Your son walks in the door after a long day—school, practice, exhaustion written all over his face.

And what do we do?

We start talking at him:

• “Did you put your laundry away?”

• “Did you study for your test?”

• “I need you to empty the dishwasher.”

His eyes glaze over. He walks away. You feel the connection slipping.

Moms, I get it. I’ve been there—with all five of my teenage boys. And here's the truth:
When we talk at our sons instead of with them, they shut down.

But the good news? There’s a better way.

Why This Happens (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)

It’s in our DNA.
From the moment our sons are born, we are in charge of everything.
We manage their safety, emotions, nutrition, schedules… all of it.

But as they grow into young men, the shift needs to happen.
They need less managing—and more mentoring.

When we cling to control, especially during busy seasons, we often default back to command-mode. But that habit—especially with teens—creates distance instead of connection.

And what they really need is connection.

Common Ways We Talk At Our Sons (Without Realizing It)

Let’s take an honest look at some communication traps we fall into:

• The Schedule Manager
  “Practice is at 4, so do this and this first…”
  → It’s helpful, but sounds like a to-do list explosion.

• The Lecturer
  We go on and on (and on), thinking we’re making a breakthrough.
  → He tunes out. Nothing lands.

• The Interrogator
  Rapid-fire questions. No space to respond.
  → He retreats to his room.

• The Over-Reactor
  We respond with frustration to minor issues.
  → He learns to hide big ones.

• The Unsolicited Advisor
  We jump in with fixes before he even finishes explaining the problem.
  → He shuts down, feeling unseen.

If you’re nodding your head… it’s okay. Awareness is the first step to changing everything.

What To Do Instead: 5 Simple Fixes

Here are five ways to shift from “talking at” to “talking with” your son:

1. Practice Active Listening

When he speaks—stop what you're doing. Look him in the eye. Be fully present.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give is our attention.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Instead of: “How was your day?”
Try: “Tell me something funny or frustrating that happened today.”
This creates space for real conversation (not one-word answers).

3. Lead with Empathy Before Solutions

If he says, “I hate school,” resist the urge to lecture.
Try: “Yeah, I remember not loving school either. What’s been hard lately?”

4. Give Him a Minute

Let him settle in. Transition moments matter.
Before launching into directives, reconnect first—even if it’s just a smile and “Hey, I’m glad you’re home.”

5. Check In With Him

Ask: “How do you know I love you?” or “When do you feel most supported by me?”
You might be surprised what he says—and what he doesn’t.

Parenting with Purpose Starts with Conversations That Connect

This isn’t about letting go of structure.
Yes, he still needs to put his laundry away. Yes, the dishwasher still needs to be loaded.
But when you connect first, he’s far more likely to listen, respond, and take action.

Connection before correction—it’s a game-changer.

Want More Tools to Build Trust After Arguments?

If things have felt rocky, I’ve got you.
Grab my free guide: “The Bridge Method – 5 Simple Ways to Rebuild Trust After an Argument”
It’s linked in the show notes (or right HERE if you're reading on the blog).

💬 Ready for More Support?

Join my free private Facebook community for moms raising teenage boys.
Inside, I share things I don’t post on social or even say on the podcast.
We laugh, we cry, we cheer each other on. It’s a place where you’ll feel seen.

👉 Click here to join the group now

Remember, Mom:

You’re doing better than you think.
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to stay connected.

Let’s shift from managing our sons to mentoring them.
One conversation at a time.

Related Episodes You Might Like:

From Conflict to Connection: How to Rebuild Trust After a Fight with Your Son

Stop the Nagging: How to Break Free from Negativity Bias While Raising Teen Boys