Seven missing assignments.

I still remember the day I opened the school portal and saw them. My stomach dropped. I could barely breathe until every single one was turned in.

And they did get turned in. But here's the thing: nothing was learned. I fixed the symptom, and I never asked what was going on underneath.

If your son's grades are slipping, if he shrugs and says "I don't care," or if his door has been shut more than it's been open lately, I want you to know something. The behavior you see is usually not the real problem. It's a symptom.

On this week's episode of Raising Boys, Building Men, I sat down with James McLamb, a former high school teacher, national youth empowerment strategist, and the founder of Generation Youth. James did something I wish every parent could do. He asked teenagers what they're struggling with, and then he listened.

The One Question James Asked Teens

Starting in 2013, James and his team interviewed young people across the country. They asked one simple question: "What's the biggest issue and problem facing your generation?" Then they just let them talk.

The teens gave all kinds of answers. Social media. Anxiety. Fear of the future. Bullying. Peer pressure. But as James listened, he saw patterns, and the answers fell into three big buckets.

1. Who Am I? (Self-Image)

About 85% of the teens talked about self-image in some way. They're trying to figure out who they are.

Think about what that looks like at school. At the start of the year, the excitement (or even the fear) of something new keeps him going. James calls this the honeymoon phase of school. A couple of months in, the shine wears off. Maybe he's had some disappointments. And now his effort drops.

Years ago, James's family wrote down who the McLamb family is and who they strive to be. He admits it sat on a shelf and got dusty sometimes. But when one of his kids got off track, they could come back to it: "You said this is who you want to be. Is this still where you want to be?"

When your son has a clear picture of who he is, a hard talk about missing work is less likely to end with "I don't care." He may still give you a flip answer. But he's thinking. And that is a win.

2. Where Do I Belong? (Relationships)

About three out of four teens named relationships: friends, parents, teachers, and finding "my people."

James told a story I loved. When his son was about 19, he was getting ready to ask a girl out. James asked if he was going to call her or go see her. His son said, "No, I thought I'd just send her a text." Our boys are growing up in a world where they don't have to practice face-to-face connection, and it shows.

This is where you come in. My mom gave me some of the best advice of my life when my kids were little: "Your sons can handle anything the world throws at them as long as they have a safe place to come home to."

You might be thinking, "Our home doesn't feel very peaceful right now." I promise you, it's more peaceful than the middle school hallway. Help him know he belongs at home.

3. Why Am I Here? (Purpose and Goals)

About 60% of teens talked about purpose. They aren't sitting in 11th grade wondering about the meaning of life. But they are thinking, "This is a waste. Why do I even need to learn this?"

James had such a freeing reminder for moms: you don't have to help your 14-year-old find his purpose for life. "Good gracious, that's not gonna happen," he said. Just help him find a purpose for the next three months.

Purpose can start at home, too. On the episode, I shared an 80-year Harvard study on happiness. The common link they found was that people had responsibilities and chores growing up. When your son knows he's needed in your family, that can be the start of his purpose.

And when he tells you school doesn't matter? A four-year college isn't the right path for every boy. But being a lifelong learner can be. In the McLamb family, it's part of who they are, whatever that learning looks like.

These Aren't New Problems (And That's Good News)

This part made my brain explode a little. We think our boys are facing brand new problems, and we don't know how to parent new problems. But James says these three struggles are the same ones teens have faced for a hundred years. Go watch an old black and white sitcom. Almost every episode about a kid is about who he is, who his friends are, or what he's supposed to do with his life.

What's different is how it shows up. Our boys are bombarded nonstop, with almost no time to be bored and just think. James compared it to handing a kid who grew up riding horses the keys to a Ferrari. The struggles are old. The speed is new.

What to Do: Talk With Him, Not at Him

So what's the remedy? James's answer was simple: a parent who is willing to sit down and talk. But not like a TED Talk. "Today, Johnny, we're going to talk about where you are in life" will put him on defense fast.

The best talks happen side by side. In the car. Doing yard work. In the kitchen over a bowl of cereal. And yes, at 10:47 at night when he shows up at your door and you've been up since 6 a.m. As James said, one day you'll miss those talks.

When he's in a jam, try this:

"As your mom, how can I help you get through this? What do you need from me?"

Then gently walk him down the road: "You have seven missing assignments. What do you think that does to your grade? What does your summer look like if you fail biology?" Not to shame him. Just to help a boy who isn't looking past Friday night see where his choices lead. He still gets the consequences. He just gets to understand them.

My client Lori first found me while looking for help to understand and communicate with her teenage son. Now she can "stop, recenter, bring it back to the facts, and focus on the result I want." That's exactly what we're going for.

If He's Already Pulled Away

I asked James what a mom should do first if her son has already pulled away. His answer: start with yourself. Is there any doubt in his mind that you're the first person he'd come to in a crisis? If there's a wall there, how can you take it down?

Then watch his body language. If you walk into a room and he gets up and walks out, that's really good information. That's not the moment for a deep talk. Start by just being in the same room. Invite him for waffles at midnight. Meet him where he is.

And keep showing up. James put it so well: those one-word "fines" and "yeahs" will one day turn into a flood of words, and you'll wonder what you did. You were consistent 200 or 1,000 times when you got nothing back.

You Are the One He Trusts Most

James shared a study showing that about 85% of kids go to their moms for information they can trust, and moms came out on top. You have that going for you.

You've heard me say it before, and I'll keep saying it: restoring your relationship is the fastest way to improve his behavior.

Sometimes it's hard to see what's underneath when it's happening in your own house. On a free 30-minute Reconnection Strategy Call, I'll help you see what's really going on for your son and what your next step is. Maybe you're wondering, "Is this just a sales call?" Here's the truth. I do have more to offer, and we can talk about it if you want to. If not, no problem. You'll still leave with your next step. I save 5 spots a week for moms who are serious about restoring their relationship with their son. Make sure you are one of them.

👉 Book your free Reconnection Strategy Call

Who am I? Where do I belong? Why am I here? Your son is asking these questions whether he says them out loud or not. And you get to help him answer them.

You are doing better than you think.

About James McLamb

James McLamb is a national youth empowerment strategist, speaker, and founder of Generation Youth. Drawing from nearly a decade in the classroom, he equips students and the adults who serve them with practical tools for resilience, confidence, and leadership. He is the author of Tomorrow's Youth, creator of the Ignite 30-Day Student Journal series and the Rooted & Ready devotional, and leads the Generation Youth Coach Certification program. A former high school agriculture teacher, James's work has influenced schools, camps, churches, and youth organizations nationwide.

Find James's books, the Ignite journals, and his coach certification at generation-youth.com. Listen to The Generation Youth Podcast with James McLamb.

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