You remind your teenage son to take out the trash.

He looks right at you and says, "No."

You push back, and he grins. "I'm just kidding. Why can't you take a joke, Mom?"

Or maybe it's the snappy salute and the "Yes, ma'am." The tone. The eye roll.

And you're left standing in the kitchen wondering, when did my sweet boy start talking to me like this?

If you're frustrated and at a loss for how to get respect from your teenage son, you are in good company. I've raised five sons and coached so many moms through this exact moment. Disrespect stings. But it's fixable, and it doesn't have to come between the two of you.

Before we start, define disrespect for yourself. It looks different in every home, so keep your own definition in mind as you read.

Here are 4 shifts for the next time it happens, including what to say in the moment and what to do after.

1. Regulate Yourself First

Before you deal with his behavior, deal with your reaction.

Here's what happens. Your brain sees disrespect from your own son as danger. Your heart races. Your thinking brain goes offline. And that's when the words start flying. You escalate, he escalates, and something small and fixable turns into something much bigger.

So take a breath. Take a second. He doesn't need to be corrected within five seconds. (He's not a dog!)

It is totally okay to say:

"It's not okay for you to talk to me like that. I'm going to take five minutes, and then we're going to talk about this."

Guess what he has to do for those five minutes? Think about what he just said to his mom. I love that.

While you take your break, ask yourself two questions: "How do I want to show up here?" and "What am I making his behavior mean?"

When his tone decides your mood, you've handed your power to a 14-year-old who struggles to manage his own. Don't let him be in charge of yours. In my Connected Mom Method, this is always step one: Manage Yourself.

One of my clients, Sarah, came to me "constantly yelling" and stuck in a "battle of wills" with her son. Once she learned to get steady first, she started staying calm, and she and her son both see their relationship getting better.

2. Remember That Disrespect Is Not Disconnection

Most moms think disrespect means the relationship is broken. He doesn't like me. He thinks I'm stupid. I've lost him.

That's usually not what's going on. Most of the time, disrespect is a communication problem, not a disconnection problem.

Your son has spent all day at school talking to his friends a certain way. Then he walks in the door and throws that same style at you. He's not a little adult who should know better. He's still figuring out how to talk to different people.

Dr. Leonard Sax writes about this in his book The Collapse of Parenting. One problem he sees today is that parents don't expect their kids to treat them any differently than they treat their friends. When that happens, the family loses its hierarchy.

That doesn't mean you rule with an iron fist. It just means:

"You may talk to your buddies like that. You don't talk to me like that."

Say it once. Let it go. Watch. If you need to correct again, do the same thing again.

You can connect and correct at the same time. When you stop believing the relationship is lost, you stop panicking. And when you stop panicking, you stop trying to control him.

3. React Less, Respond More

A reaction is fast, loud, and matches his energy. It comes from fear and panic.

A response is calm, short, and on purpose. Here's the thing: what you're upset about is his lack of self-control. Don't answer it with yours.

Research shows yelling doesn't fix behavior. It makes it worse.

Try one of these instead:

• "I'm not going to argue with you right now. You take a break, I'll take a break, and we'll meet back here in 10 minutes." Always give a time. Otherwise he learns that walking away is how he gets out of it.
• "This behavior is unacceptable. It's not okay to talk to me this way."
• When he says, "Why can't you take a joke?" try: "I just don't think it's very funny." And if he tells you that you have no sense of humor: "Being disrespectful to your mom isn't funny. Nobody's laughing."

Then stop talking.

I'll be honest. When I used to react, it always turned into a lecture. By the time I finished, my son had no idea what we were even talking about. The fewer words you use, the more weight they carry.

4. Repair After the Moment

This is the most important step.

Research shows that disagreements don't break relationships, as long as you repair afterward. In fact, a disagreement followed by a repair can make your relationship stronger. It shows you're both still invested. Isn't that good news?

A repair can be short:

"Hey, that may be how you talk to your friends, but that's not how you talk to your mom. Got it?"

If things got bigger, own your part:

"Hey, I got loud earlier. I reacted, and I'm sorry. It's still not okay that you talked to me that way. Is something going on that made you speak to me like that?"

Then get curious, reconnect, and move on. What doesn't work is an hour of silent treatment followed by pretending nothing happened.

If you want more help with this step, grab my free guide, The Bridge Method. It walks you through 6 simple ways to restore trust after an argument.

A Quick Word About Dad

You might be thinking, "My husband doesn't respect me either, so of course my son talks to me this way." Separate those two relationships. Blaming Dad just makes you the victim twice, and that cycle doesn't help anyone. You have your own relationship with your son, and you get to expect respect in it.

The Next Time It Happens

Notice I said next time. This boy of yours is still learning how to communicate, and he'll go up and down. That's normal.

You, on the other hand, get to be the calm, confident one. Regulate yourself. Remember that disrespect isn't disconnection. Respond instead of react. Then repair.

You've heard me say it before, and I'll keep saying it: restoring your relationship is the fastest way to improve his behavior. And the best part? You can start today, even if he doesn't change a thing.

Want Help With the Disrespect in Your House?

This post can take you a long way. But from inside the bottle, you can't read the label. When it's your kitchen and your boy, it's hard to see what's really driving the disrespect.

That's what a free 30-minute Reconnection Strategy Call is for. You'll get individual guidance for you and your unique son, and you'll leave with your next step. I save 5 spots a week for moms who are serious about restoring their relationship with their son. Make sure you are one of them.

👉 Book your free Reconnection Strategy Call

You are doing better than you think, my friend.

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Related episodes you might enjoy:

Reacting vs. Responding: How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenage Son

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From Conflict to Connection: Restoring Trust After a Fight With Your Son